Something isn't Right...

I am not myself right now. I am missing the "sparkle" of life. I'm doing housework, tending to my family, decorating and keeping the traditions of the holidays, cooking (and eating!), but I am missing the intrinsic part of myself that finds the joy in life.

Is it because Kurt's been traveling so much in the last few weeks? Am I not getting enough sleep? I am not calling my friends or keeping up with other obligations outside the house.

I believe I am getting close to obtaining a great job that is the right path for my career. It is an exciting opportunity and I have a huge final interview next week. In the interview process, I do sparkle, so not worried about that. What has me feeling strange is that I am already becoming nostalgic about staying home with Kelsey and enjoying the "freedom" I have.

But in reality, that "freedom" is actually a fiscal jail where I don't do much because I am trying to be frugal. There are days when I do not step outside the house. A big day is when I go run an errand or go to the foodstore (the highlight of my week)

I had 2 job interviews today - on was the beginning of our conversations (not keeping all my eggs in the basket above - just in case) and one was the 2nd interview at a truly magnificent non-profit in NY. I love the organization (you all know it...think of cookies :) and the job was a tremendous opportunity to shape the direction of this very giving org. However, the job is in NYC. I went to the first interview last week, in the cold and rain. I hated every second of the commute. I got into the shower this am dreading it....I got dressed and looked very spiffy...dreading it...drove all the way to the park n ride and when I pulled in I thought "damn, I'm here" and then I drove around for 15 minutes (missing 2 buses) while I looked for a parking space...finding none. So I said "this is a sign that this is just not meant to be" and I called the person, cancelled the appointment and just said this is not the right time in my family life to be working in NY.

I spent a lot of time debating this with Kurt this past week, because it truly is a great job (with very good money) but Kurt travels a lot for his job and there are days when he leaves at 4am and comes home after Kelsey is in bed. I can't depend on him for backup if I am stuck in NY. My daycare provider is a private one and closes at 6pm. There is no way we could make that work. Plus, my time would be compromised withe Kelsey and I would be more tired than I ever was (the last time I commuted to NY, I was 35, not married, lived very close to the city and was exhausted...how much harder would it be now?)

So, I made what was really the "easier" choice for me....decline the interview and NYC.

I seem to be always choosing the "what's easiest" path right now. Last night was a perfect example... I was supposed to attend our adoption support group meeting. I am taking over as one of the facilitators and I have a bookcase to donate. But Kurt's traveling and can't be here to watch Kelsey, so I was going to have to take her (6:30-10pm) and it was raining. All that added up to Kelsey being fussy after her nap, so I decided it would be best if I didn't take her out, past her bedtime, carrying the bookcase and trying to drag her up the stairs to the meeting. And I missed a great meeting. And probably look like a loser (and someone who doesn't keep her word!) to the retiring facilitator.

And a sitter (especially on short timing) was not an option. We haven't left Kelsey with anyone except her daycare provider - and 20 months later she still cries when I leave her, I worry about leaving her with a sitter or even family until she's a bit older and understands that we're coming back to get her. Right now, its not an option I consider.

Oh well, done whining. I hope next week all works out and I'm back to normal.