Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Something isn't Right...

I am not myself right now. I am missing the "sparkle" of life. I'm doing housework, tending to my family, decorating and keeping the traditions of the holidays, cooking (and eating!), but I am missing the intrinsic part of myself that finds the joy in life.

Is it because Kurt's been traveling so much in the last few weeks? Am I not getting enough sleep? I am not calling my friends or keeping up with other obligations outside the house.

I believe I am getting close to obtaining a great job that is the right path for my career. It is an exciting opportunity and I have a huge final interview next week. In the interview process, I do sparkle, so not worried about that. What has me feeling strange is that I am already becoming nostalgic about staying home with Kelsey and enjoying the "freedom" I have.

But in reality, that "freedom" is actually a fiscal jail where I don't do much because I am trying to be frugal. There are days when I do not step outside the house. A big day is when I go run an errand or go to the foodstore (the highlight of my week)

I had 2 job interviews today - on was the beginning of our conversations (not keeping all my eggs in the basket above - just in case) and one was the 2nd interview at a truly magnificent non-profit in NY. I love the organization (you all know it...think of cookies :) and the job was a tremendous opportunity to shape the direction of this very giving org. However, the job is in NYC. I went to the first interview last week, in the cold and rain. I hated every second of the commute. I got into the shower this am dreading it....I got dressed and looked very spiffy...dreading it...drove all the way to the park n ride and when I pulled in I thought "damn, I'm here" and then I drove around for 15 minutes (missing 2 buses) while I looked for a parking space...finding none. So I said "this is a sign that this is just not meant to be" and I called the person, cancelled the appointment and just said this is not the right time in my family life to be working in NY.

I spent a lot of time debating this with Kurt this past week, because it truly is a great job (with very good money) but Kurt travels a lot for his job and there are days when he leaves at 4am and comes home after Kelsey is in bed. I can't depend on him for backup if I am stuck in NY. My daycare provider is a private one and closes at 6pm. There is no way we could make that work. Plus, my time would be compromised withe Kelsey and I would be more tired than I ever was (the last time I commuted to NY, I was 35, not married, lived very close to the city and was exhausted...how much harder would it be now?)

So, I made what was really the "easier" choice for me....decline the interview and NYC.

I seem to be always choosing the "what's easiest" path right now. Last night was a perfect example... I was supposed to attend our adoption support group meeting. I am taking over as one of the facilitators and I have a bookcase to donate. But Kurt's traveling and can't be here to watch Kelsey, so I was going to have to take her (6:30-10pm) and it was raining. All that added up to Kelsey being fussy after her nap, so I decided it would be best if I didn't take her out, past her bedtime, carrying the bookcase and trying to drag her up the stairs to the meeting. And I missed a great meeting. And probably look like a loser (and someone who doesn't keep her word!) to the retiring facilitator.

And a sitter (especially on short timing) was not an option. We haven't left Kelsey with anyone except her daycare provider - and 20 months later she still cries when I leave her, I worry about leaving her with a sitter or even family until she's a bit older and understands that we're coming back to get her. Right now, its not an option I consider.

Oh well, done whining. I hope next week all works out and I'm back to normal.


Wayswin said...

I'm off Thursday if ya wanna call.

Jenny said...

Good luck with the jobs. I hope you get the one you want! And I hope you get your sparkle back soon.

The Blessing that is LIA said...

Joanne, you have your sparkle. It's still there...just let it shine girl. Good luck with the interviews!!! You made the right choice..commuting sucks and I leave four miles from the Lincoln Tunnel. It can take over an hour to get in. I'm done. Starting January ...new career and working from home!