Sunday, August 29, 2010

Can I Find a Way to Write This?

I'm going to back post this date because I'd like the posting to be historically accurate.
I am sorry to announce that my Mom passed away early this morning...about 2:55am on Sunday 8/29/10.

Kurt, Kelsey and I went camping this weekend with our China Travel Group. We were having a great time in the woods...it was incredible, beautiful 100 foot tall pines, cool nights and mornings and hot afternoons...we had only gone for the weekend...

The kids were having a fabulous time, running from tent to tent...the adults had the best time as well...it was fun catching up with everyone.

I was telling some of the people in our group how sick Mom was and on Friday Janet called me to say that the hospital let her know it would be "soon" but not this weekend. She asked specifically because she knew we were camping and Jimmy had planned to visit next weekend...but the hospital was pretty positive that it wouldn't happen this weekend.

Still I had planned to see her on Friday before we left, but we left late and I rationalized that we could stop on Sunday on the way home. In hindsight I alternately beat myself up over not seeing her that last time and then I say "well when i saw her she spoke a few words to me and called me by my name" which she hadn't done in a few months.. I don't know if I could have stood seeing her so close to the end...

Sat night/Sunday morning I slept fitfully (as I usually do when I am not in my own bed) plus we were in a tent and Kicky Mc Kickenstein (aka Kelsey) was tossing and turning in our little tent. I did dream that one of the members of our travel group knocked on our tent and told me Mom had died...and that I had cried because I didn't get to see her...and then I stopped dreaming this.

About 7am, Kurt woke up and said he was going for coffee (we were "tent camping" not wildnerness camping, btw) and when he came back he asked me if I left my phone in the car...whcih I had...he said my phone was beeping and he looked and the call was from Janet...

Of course I knew at minute he asked me about the phone that my Mom must have died...so I called at 7:30 and my sister cried as she told me. For weeks I had tried to think how that moment would feel...grief or relief? what would my first emotion be? I was a little scared to think that it would be relief...even though the last year was so freakin' bad for everyone.

I am grateful that my first emotion was grief...I sobbed quietly (because my daughter was sleeping inches from me) and then I pulled it together and asked her some specifics...and made sure she was okay (I'm the big sister, that's my job) and I apologized for not being there for her because she went to the hospital to see Mom after she passed.

Kelsey woke a few minutes later and I told her Mema went to heaven...this was a pretty abstract concept for her, so she hugged me and then went to play with her friends...I was glad that she was distracted so I could pull myself together...

We were about 2 hours from my sister's so we packed our campsite fairly quickly, told the families what happened and left to go to her house...we had some decisions to make and the dreadful calls to handle...

So Mom died on 8/29, we waked her on 8/31 and interred her next to our Dad on 9/1, which was my 50th birthday...for the first time in my whole life my Mom wasn't there to wish me happy birthday...it hurt....

Mom, I hope you are happily reunited with Daddy and Nanny (my Grandmother) in Heaven...this brings me a little comfort...but three weeks later (as I am really writing this) I cannot bring myself to go to Church....

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