There is a blogger whom I've been following for about 2 years now. She is an infertile woman who desperately wants to be pregnant. I originally liked her blog because she blogs about this topic, home improvement, decorating and gardening. I've emailed back n forth with her because I have mentioned to her in the past that *FOR ME* the pain of infertility was over when we began the process to adopt Kelsey.
Lately, however, her blog has taken a turn for the worse...whiny, complaining and bitchy. For me the final straw came tonight when I saw this on her blog....I am nauseous and disgusted by her entitlement attitude. And the coward hides behind zero comments and emails. I am posting part of her post today because I her to know that is she ever reads my blog that this is NOT COOL...you don't call adoption "BUYING A BABY."
Now, don't get me wrong, I completely understand the fact that this woman is tortured by the fact that she cannot get pregnant and really wants a biological child. She has every right to persue this avenue. However, by her post below she clearly feels adoption is last choice and beneath her. This is what I object to (besides her insisting on her Mom paying for treatments when she is a non working housewife.)
So Lori...I am getting uber bitchy here because your post really ticked me off and I have ZERO ways to tell you so you will understand...let me spell it out for you because clearly you are not intelligent or mature enough to understand subtlety:
1) No one owes you a baby...your Mom doesn't have to pay for your fertility treatments. Put on big girl panties and get a job to pay for it yourself.
2) Adoption is for people who want to parent a child....NOT BUYING A BABY!!!!! For that statement alone you should be denied the RIGHT to adopt if you EVER choose to go down that path.
3) This kind of statement sets adoption and adoptees back decades. The ignorance is not to be believed!!!!!
4) Stop whining and complaining about everyone else's pregnancy! Women get pregnant and want to celebrate it! If you finally conceive would YOU want someone complaining about YOUR baby?
Seriously, get some help for your mental health. I am so glad I don't know you personally, because I would NEVER EVER allow you near MY child...
My blood is boiling!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Freaking COWARD to not allow people to protest this!
This is the very selfish Lori post....at her finest.....
"I'm very curious about the adoption process but I'm not ready to adopt yet (or ever). I really want my own child with my and my husband's genes. And I feel like I deserve every opportunity that I have to make that happen. And when everything is gone, every hope is gone, then maybe I'll think about adoption, but it's not on the radar right now. And I feel like once again my friend is thrusting adoption on me like what I'm going through is a waste of energy and it's not. It means everything to me. Seriously, I feel sometimes so lost when I think about not ever getting pregnant, and never knowing what it feels like to have the belly that T has, the intimacy that she and her husband have sharing this experience, and going through labor and that final moment when the baby is born, and to never look down and see a reflection of myself and my husband in our baby, I feel like I'll crack, that I won't make it, that it's too much to withhold from me, it's too much to bear. So to reject that and say, hey why go through the trouble, just buy someone else's baby, isn't helpful. And I don't even think that's how the email was intended to be but it's how it felt. I feel like, once again, I have no one to turn to when I feel so empty, no one understands."
Ugh!
13 comments:
Wow - I don't even know what to say. I cannot believe this woman considers adoption "buying a baby". Not only that statement completely ignorant, it is so disrespectful to the whole adoption community.
I dealt with the pain and loss of infertility. For a long time, I tried every thing to have a biological child and I did mourn the fact that I may never have a bio child. But I was completely open to idea of adoption. I knew I wanted to be a parent, and I wanted to love a child. Briana has filled my heart with so much happiness. She is MY child. I can't imagine my life without her. She might not be my biological child, but I see so many parts of her personality that reflect both me and my husband.
It is this woman's prerogative to keep trying. And if fertility treatments never work, then she can sit alone and childless if she wants. There are so many children out there that need loving parents. She really is missing out by being so closed-minded.
WOW! I would sure love to get her blog address so I can leave a nice little comment !!!
Seriously....Ugh!
I don't understand why fertility treatments aren't considered buying a baby either? I'm not being sarcastic, I wonder why people can't equate fees that "we" paid as part of the process to the fees you pay your doctor and for the injections?
Ugh, is enough.
I really do not know what to say, I been reading this for a week now, i went through fertility for two years and our health insurance paid every dime of it, i never once got pregnant there was a reason i believe God another plan for us, ashley is truely our daughter. and she was meant for us. i think about it now, i am so happy i never got pregnant god blessed us with a beauitful child . wow! i hope the woman does not read your blog she is going to have a few angry people at her! we would adopt again but jason and i will be 35 in july and we just getting older, and is not just afforable ashley is great child and we very lucky to have her. i thank my lucky stars for her everyday! there has been alot of talk about adoption these day because of madonna i had to answer a few questions on facebooks to my friends. some people did not undersatnd the whole process.
and what we went through! we actually got out all of ashley's papers and showed her and all the books we broguht over there.
she looks at the scrapbooks I made almost everyday she knows she has a china mommy but we were mommy and daddy to her! and thats all that matters! thanks! again!
keep in touch! i love reading your blog! post anyupdates you have any from this woman!
Wow! Just Wow!
Joanne,
I think you are being a bit hypocritical in your assessment of the other blogger. She is clearly going through emotional turmoil, and uses her blog to vent.
I think you are a little clouded especially since you have a huge audience of adopted parents who frequent your blog, patting you on your back telling you how right you are.
I am sure you will not take these comments into consideration as you already have the idea that you want to hate this woman in your head.
1. I am sure in your infertility turmoil you thought why me, or that you were owed a baby because you are a woman and went through the process of having a period every month that in your mind would ensure your ability to have a child.
2. Did you or did you and most parents who adopt from China or other countries abroad pay over 20thousand dollars to adopt a baby? If yes then sure in some aspect you did pay for your child.
3. The kind of statement that sets adoption back decades. What does this even mean? Moses was adopted. No one has a bumper sticker that says "against adoption."
4. Stop whining and complaining about everyone else's pregnancy! am sure you had and probably still have baby envy. It is just the way things go.
I think you would do well to think of how you felt when you were childless, as opposed to judging this woman, and forgetting from wince you came. Infertility is a heart breaking think it is like impotence in a man. When we were girls we were taught that we were to have babies and when you find out that you cant it is like your world is turned upside down. Not that I agree with everything that this woman says but she deserves a chance to vent just like you do.
Dear Anonymous,
I've read your posting several times over and showed it to my husband to read as well. I'm sure you intended to incite anger and you've succeeded.
I welcome intellegent debate and enjoy a good argument beause I think it's an interesting way to learn....BUT
If you feel that adopting a child is at all similar to purchasing a human being, then you are not welcome in my space. Please do not visit this blog and your comments are not welcome. I don't think you're a troll, but much more evil than that.
Clearly you have no understanding on the challenge of raising an adopted child. The thinking that "hey how much did you pay for her?" runs rampant in our society and every stupid comment like
"adoption is buying a baby" sets understanding that adopting a child is just another way to build a family.
Yeah, I know Moses was adopted...but no idiot ever asked his Mom what she paid for him!
I wrote on MY blog because Lori the Coward doesn't allow posting comments/emails on hers...so I felt I had zero recourse. I can't allow comments out there that hurt my child without trying to stop that incorrect thinking.
So, Anonymous, I sincerely hope I do not know you in real life, because the way you think endangers adopted children and I will not tolerate that kind of thinking in my little girl's world.
And, BTW, I am JoAnn, not Joanne and the word is whence not wince, although I did wince when I read your emails...
Call me a hypocrit, but do it to yourself...because you are not welcome in Hoppeland.
dear all...
Well let me start with Adoption is not out of the dark ages yet....sad to say. I was adopted and my Mother and Dad are still answering the same questions from people that just dont understand about my 2 beautiful daughters who are from Fuling China.
The first question is why did you go out of the county ? answer we were told in out state we were to old.
Do the girls speak English and are the Citizens ? Yes of course...ugh
why do you CHOOSE China wan't a Baby from here good enought ? Again we were to old.
Did you try infertility ? No we discussed it an our insurance would not pay for the treatments ...we had so much in the bank...invest in an adoption or infertility treatments ? we choose the baby in china it was a sure thing and we wanded to be parents.
As for buying a baby ???? How much is it to deliver you baby you carry ????? Our daughters were worth every penny and I cannot imagine life without them it was the only way we would be parents.
As for not ever being ready to adopt that is each families choice you choose to be parents or not.
I am amazed how many people still live in the dark ages with attitudes toward adoption. It is our job to help enlighten this world we and our girls live in.
so sorry that people think that throwing dirt is the way to go..hope you had a better day I am so with you JoAnn
JoAnn:
Can we all take a deep breath and a step back.
Isn't it possible that this blog is a place for this woman to share her thoughts and feelings. I can understand not wanting to have comments from other people on all of those especially when you are going through something that is difficult and painful. She has a right to say what she wants to say. You have right to say what you want to say in response, but you don't have the right to force her to listen to you. I don’t think she owes you the opportunity to respond directly to her, but you are welcome to use another forumn to respond which is what you did.
I think you hurt your argument by resorting to name calling. I understand the emotion and I am not as graceful and forgiving as I would like to be sometimes, but it doesn’t help.
I read the buying the baby statement reference differently. I think the writer is frustrated and hurt. She wants to experience pregnancy. That is her choice.
Adoption is a wonderful thing. It is a family choosing to parent and care for a particular child.
I don't know, but I suspect that there are some less than wonderful people who have found opportunities to make money in the adoption process. This is not the same as buying a baby, but I suspect not all adoptions are as pure and wonderful as we hope they are (this not a comment on any individual adoption or associated with adoptions from any particular place). I have very similar feelings on organ donations. The vast majority of organ donations are wonderful acts of love and generosity, but occasionally I am sure there are less than perfect arrangements sometimes. I have heard that sometimes when people adopt they are told there is a CHANCE the baby they are getting was kidnapped and that some of the adoption money is used for bribes. I don’t know this first hand and it might night be accurate. Please feel free to correct anything that is not accurate.
I really don't think the blogger set out to disrespect anybody. She is sharing how she felt at a time when she was very emotional. She was less than graceful and maybe she should have been more sensitive. Her words were hurtful but I don’t think they were intended that way. A friend was trying to help her, but it wasn’t what she wanted at that particular time. She had a strong reaction and felt alone at a painful time. Can we forgive her?
There are questions adoptive parents have to answer that are incredibly difficult and it isn’t fair. Know in your heart what is right and true. When you look at your family and loved ones, what other people thing shouldn’t matter
This comment was not meant to hurt anybody in anyway and I hope that did not happy.
Best wishes for a happy, healthy and long life.
Jacqueline,
You have a lovely way with words but I will not tolerate anyone writing on this blog that adopting a baby is similar to purchasing a human being. End of Story! I think you were just repeating some of the garbage you've seen on TV, so I will be gracious and not ask you to leave my space.
One day Kelsey will read this blog, do you think its fair that she is subject to anyone's opinion on adoption - especially when they know nothing about the process?
To my grown up girl...no one knows the circumstances of your birth or your surrender or adoption. We know the most and have shared everything we have with you, because it is your birthright!
Kelsey, when I decided to become an adoptive Mom, there were definately things I was ignorant about but I am smart and knew I could learn what I needed to know and we could all learn from each other as a family.
However, your Mom is also someone who is cause driven and adoptive rights is one of my causes. That's why I spend time leading adoption support groups, reading blogs and books and helping champion rights for adoptees both in the US and abroad.
However, most the world isn't open to understanding your unique circumstances and I have recently become aware of really stupid comments out there. If someone came up to you and slapped you across the face - would I be a good mother if I didn't stop a physical abuse? Nope!
I feel even stronger about verbal abuse...it's insidious and evil. Like that stupid woman in the nail salon who made a racial slur about you yesterday and Your Mema didn't want me to offend the woman (some old white broad)because she didn't want me to make a scene. I held my tongue there because you were so excited to get your pedicure, but I told Mema in no uncertain terms that this was the last time EVER I would accomodate someone ever making that kind of comment in front of me or you again.
So, the Lori's, the Anonymous' and the Jacqueline's of the world...you in essence verbally slapped my child across the face when you infer adoption is similar to purchasing a human being...how else do I respond?
Kelsey, I hope you are as proud of me in the future as I am proud of you today...I love you with all my heart and soul, as you are the child I was meant to parent!
I love you...and will continue to fight your battles until you can do this yourself!
Much love always!
Your Mom(my)
JoAnn:
I don't believe adoption is buying a human being and I am very sorry if that wasn't clear in my comments.
Best wishes.
It is really sad when people make hurtful comments for any reason about race/ethnicity/country of origin/age/gender.
-An old while broad.
OK - The other half's been silent too long.
Anonymous said...
Joanne,
(Spell my wife's *F'in* name right, whoever the *F* you are! Maybe you ought to try reading before spouting off and spelling however you please!)
"I think you are being a bit hypocritical in your assessment of the other blogger."
(And who the *F* are you? Why should I care that you think my wife is hypocritical? You hide behind your Anonymous tag!)
"I think you are a little clouded especially since you have a huge audience of adopted parents who frequent your blog, patting you on your back..."
(Adoptive parents are right - adoptive parents and adopted children are NOT social outcasts! People who think we have no right to expound on our opinions are just as hypocritical as the rest!)
"I am sure you will not take these comments into consideration..."
(I hate her too - and I would not have mere words to say!)
"I am sure in your infertility turmoil you thought why me..."
(We never had the idea we were "owed" a baby. We wanted a chance to have a family and be parents like everyone else. And when we saw an opportunity to do so, then we took it. And we sacrificed a hell of a lot more to be given the opportunity to bring Kelsey to America and be her parents. More so than most of the irresponsible baby factories clogging up our welfare system now! I think we bent over backwards to have to earn something that too many people take for granted!)
"Did you or did you and most parents who adopt from China or other countries abroad pay over 20thousand dollars to adopt a baby?"
(The monetary amount given up for anything is none of your *F'in* business anyway! Why don't you post your 1040's and let us all know how much you're worth, or maybe how much you spend on your kids, or how much you pay for fancy cars and clothes and neglecting your kid(s)? Not willing to share? Then your asking me about what I had to spend to start my family is none of your *F'in* business and I'd slap you in the face if you asked me in person!)
"Moses was adopted..."
(Moses was adopted, but who around here quotes Scripture and calls it the divine right of adoption? Keep your bible beating to yourself!)
"I think you would do well to think of how you felt when you were childless, as opposed to judging this woman, and forgetting from wince you came..."
(And maybe you should think about what you're preaching! Did you even experience such a troubling time in your life? Who are YOU to judge?)
To my wonderful wife and the daughter who I would give everything for:
I cannot stand these people to the point where I want to block all comments on this damn blog and make all of our real friends just send us e-mail!
Kurt, the husband and very angry father!
PS - the "old white broad" in the beauty parlor had the balls to look at my daughter's Chinese features and say that she was being groomed to work among the predominantly Asian employees at the place. To be honest, I wouldn't care what Mema had to say. I would be standing in that old hag's face with my slanted Asian eyes giving her the evil look and let her just try to hurl another racist comment to someone her own size instead of allowing her to pick on an innocent 3 year old girl who doesn't know any better and would only learn hate from unenlightened, uneducated scum like her! Take that!
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